How Do You Know If You’re an Enabler? Signs and How to Stop

A passive enabler is someone who is unaware or indirectly enables another person. One of the biggest risks of being an enabler is that it can end up becoming extremely draining and distressing for both the enabler and the person being enabled. For example, this might look like constantly paying off the other person’s debts or irresponsible spending habits. In the desperate stage of enabling, the enabler is primarily motivated by fear. In the innocent enabling stage, a person starts with love and concern for the other person, but they don’t know how to guide or help them.

Sometimes it’s neglect because more energy is being dedicated to helping the family member with the dependency. Sometimes it’s bail money that instead could go for groceries or car repairs. It is not uncommon for enablers to be unaware that what they are doing is actually unhelpful and allow the other person to continue their harmful behaviors. Recognizing the pattern of enabler behavior is important because it can help us understand the role the enabler is playing in the person’s harmful habits.

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One can avoid becoming an enabler through a combination of self-awareness, clear boundaries, and maintaining a focus on both personal well-being and the well-being of the person being cared for. Recognize patterns and motivations for helping others, especially if they stem from codependency, low self-esteem, or fear. Prioritize self-care to maintain emotional and mental well-being, which facilitates effective boundary-setting.

For example, giving money to a loved one who uses it for drugs or alcohol, or covering for someone’s bad behavior, are forms of enabling. Enabler behavior can have negative consequences for the enabler and the person they’re enabling. But it’s important to recognize this pattern of behavior and begin addressing it.

Taking Over Their Responsibility

This can mean that they might keep the person from facing the consequences of their actions or resolve the other person’s problems themselves. While the intention is to help, this behavior allows the harmful cycle to continue and can lead to burnout for the caretaker. For example, a narcissistic enabler might protect a narcissist from facing the consequences of their actions. Enablers often act out of love, guilt, or fear of losing the relationship, but this behavior creates unhealthy patterns. Generational trauma is one example—patterns like “family always takes care of each other” can be passed down in ways that discourage healthy boundaries or accountability.

What Causes Enabling Behavior?

• This is opposed to providing means and opportunities to continue engaging in self-destructive behaviors.
• Enabling behavior is often unintentional and stems from a desire to help.
• Setting boundaries is important in showing someone what you will and will not tolerate, holding them accountable, and avoiding the encouragement of destructive behaviors.
• An example of an enabler can be someone who supports another person’s alcohol addiction.
• Focus on the long term by encouraging the person to take responsibility for their actions and develop problem-solving skills.

And if the problem is never discussed, they may be less likely to reach out for help. You might simply try to help your loved one out because you’re worried about them or afraid their actions might hurt them, you, or other family members. Sometimes we want to make sacrifices for the people we care about. It’s often frightening to think about bringing up serious issues like addiction once you’ve realized there’s a problem. This can be particularly challenging if you already tend to find arguments or conflict difficult. Enabling often describes situations involving addiction or substance misuse.

How to Stop Enabling Behavior

This could also create a scenario where the person experiencing addiction is able to continue to freely engage in substance abuse in their presence. A person handles an enabler by first recognizing the signs of enabling in the relationship. Begin by openly addressing the harmful behaviors, expressing concerns with both compassion and clarity.

While the parent’s intentions come from a place of love and protection, their actions unintentionally enable the child to avoid responsibility for their choices. The young adult spends their money on drugs or alcohol, and when they can’t pay their rent, the parent steps in to cover it. This can also lead to a type of trauma bonding, where the enabler feels that they cannot stop enabling the person that they love without feeling that they abandoned them in their time of need. They often step in to fix problems, shield loved ones from consequences, or avoid conflict, even when it causes them stress or exhaustion. Someone with an enabler personality has a desire to help others, so much so that they would help them even when their behaviors can harm them.

If you find yourself constantly making excuses for your loved one’s substance abuse, this is one of the most common signs of enabling. This could include explaining away missed work or failed responsibilities due to drug and alcohol use, or covering up for them when they’ve gotten into trouble enabler person meaning as a result of their addiction. An enabler is typically a close individual who inadvertently supports another person’s harmful behaviors. By shielding them from the consequences of their actions, enablers contribute to the continuation of these self-destructive patterns. Enablers often have a hard time setting personal boundaries with the person they are enabling. This can lead to situations where the enabler feels like they are being taken advantage of or used.

• It’s most often an intimate partner or close friend who passively and unknowingly encourages negative behaviors to continue.
• With financial dependency, a person might provide excessive support for another person, causing them to not face the full consequences of their actions.
• An enabler is a person whose supportive actions, driven by care, inadvertently perpetuate harmful or dysfunctional patterns in another individual.
• Sometimes, enablers don’t realize that they aren’t helping the other person and are allowing destructive or unhealthy behaviors to continue.

This can also include larger obligations, like caring for a sick relative. You may also justify their behavior to others or yourself by acknowledging they’ve gone through a difficult time or live with specific challenges. KCC has a combination of employees and business partners that we contract with to provide services. Independent contractors are established corporate entities that are responsible for their own work hours and treatment plans, and liabilities. Receive weekly insights to help you and your loved ones on your road to recovery.

Encourage the loved one to seek professional help, while being prepared for possible resistance. Enabling usually refers to patterns that appear in the context of drug or alcohol misuse and addiction. Sometimes, enablers can have their own history of addiction and may feel guilty or helpless about the situation.

You might lie about why someone missed work or assure family members that “everything’s fine” when it isn’t. This can reinforce denial and delay the person’s motivation to change. Although rooted in a desire to help, these behaviors often worsen the situation by removing accountability and allowing negative actions to continue. When you’re not sure if you’re doing the best thing or what to do next, try coming back to the concept of boundaries.

One of the most common ways that people enable addiction is by continuing to provide resources like money, food, and housing – even when they know it will be used to support the person’s addiction. This can be a difficult situation to break free from, as many enablers feel guilty about cutting off support. Enablers are individuals who may, knowingly or unknowingly, help a person continue their substance abuse behaviors. While an enabler may think that they are acting in the best interest of their loved one, this can often create a mutually destructive relationship dynamic that furthers the cycle of addiction. Acting as an enabler rarely stems from malicious intent—often, it begins with a sincere desire to “help.” However, enabling can inadvertently exacerbate the very behaviors you’re hoping to fix. By confronting issues, setting firm boundaries, and encouraging professional assistance, you can empower your loved ones to face responsibility, grow, and change.

But if they tend to use money recklessly, impulsively, or on things that could cause harm, regularly giving them money can enable this behavior. The term “enabler” generally describes someone whose behavior allows a loved one to continue self-destructive patterns of behavior. But these behaviors often encourage the other person to continue the same behavioral patterns and not seek professional help.

You might even be afraid of what your loved one will say or do if you challenge the behavior. This help is ultimately not helpful, as it usually doesn’t make a problem entirely go away. It often makes it worse since an enabled person has less motivation to make changes if they keep getting help that reduces their need to make change. By allowing the other person to constantly rely on you to get their tasks done, they may be less likely to find reasons to do them the next time. Enablers step in and handle tasks a loved one should do themselves, such as job-hunting, paying rent, or cleaning up legal messes. This robs the individual of the incentive to become self-reliant or face consequences.

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