Enabler: Definition, Behavior, Psychology, Recognizing One, More

On your side of the boundary, this means that you must learn to cope with, and internally manage, the anxiety of not being in control of your loved one. Many recovering enablers find that they must rely on their own sources of support to help them overcome the urge to control and enable. The fear of your loved one being hurt can be so overwhelming that setting boundaries and stepping back can be panic-inducing.

How to stop enabling behavior

Being an enabler doesn’t mean that someone is a bad person, but it isn’t a healthy thing for either them or the person that they are trying to take care of. While it might feel like you’re helping in the moment, this behavior often makes it harder for the addicted person to change or grow. This often happens out of a desire to help or protect close relationships, but it actually ends up preventing the person from facing the consequences of their actions or taking responsibility. For example, a helper might assist a loved one in finding a therapist or attending support meetings if they’re struggling with mental health or substance use issues. Worse, consuming drugs or alcohol around that person makes it harder for them to break their addiction.

You don’t always need to explain or justify your boundaries. Trauma and past relationships can also contribute to this personality type. Maybe you were in a relationship with someone who took advantage of your kindness, and now you’re stuck in a pattern of over-giving to prove your worth. Enabling someone doesn’t mean you agree with their behavior. You might simply try to help your loved one out because you’re worried about them or afraid their actions might hurt them, you, or other family members. Confronting your loved one can help them realize you don’t support the behavior while also letting them know you’re willing to help them work toward change.

Letting Fear Run You

Let’s dive into the world of enabler personalities and explore how this well-intentioned trait can sometimes do more harm than good. Buckle up, folks – this might be a bumpy ride, but I promise it’ll be worth it. This may be hard at first, especially if your loved one gets angry with you. Tell your loved one you want to keep helping them, but not in ways that enable their behavior. For example, you might offer rides to appointments but say no to giving money for gas or anything else. But avoiding discussion prevents you from bringing attention to the problem and helping your loved one address it in a healthy, positive way.

Set and Enforce Boundaries

When someone is abusing drugs or alcohol, it can be a lot easier to excuse when they have an characteristics of an enabler enabler allowing them to stay addicted. This person may be unaware of the seriousness of the situation, but it doesn’t change the effects of their actions. Remember, overcoming an enabler personality isn’t about becoming selfish or uncaring. It’s about finding a healthy balance between helping others and taking care of yourself.

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You might lie about why someone missed work or assure family members that “everything’s fine” when it isn’t. This can reinforce denial and delay the person’s motivation to change. After all, the best gift you can give to others is a healthy, balanced you.

• There may have been the thought of confronting their loved one, but it was quickly swept away by the desire to keep them safe.
• If a parent, he or she may underperform or disregard the responsibilities of parenthood.
• “Ending an enabling relationship requires assertiveness — the ability to say no,” Dr. Borland says.
• In other words, enabling is directly or indirectly supporting someone else’s unhealthy tendencies.

Giving a family member living with a substance use disorder the money to buy drugs. Covering up for a colleague’s consistently poor performance. Making excuses for a partner’s excessive drinking habits.

To the contrary, enablers are often the ones most affected by, and most disturbed by, the negative behaviors of the enabled person. They feel extremely anxious about the destructive consequences that the enabled person could face. An enabler is someone who helps negate the consequences brought on by someone else’s behaviour. Enablers are people who are in a relationship with someone suffering from an addiction; however, instead of helping the addicted person, they allow them to continue their behaviour.

This help is ultimately not helpful, as it usually doesn’t make a problem entirely go away. It often makes it worse since an enabled person has less motivation to make changes if they keep getting help that reduces their need to make change. A lot of times, people don’t realize that they are enabling someone because they think they are helping.

• Tell your loved one you want to keep helping them, but not in ways that enable their behavior.
• The fear of losing someone can drive us to enable their behavior, creating a vicious cycle of dependency and insecurity.
• Enabling often describes situations involving addiction or substance misuse.
• Offering a parent living with diabetes a piece of cake they’re not supposed to eat.
• All this giving and no receiving leads to emotional exhaustion and burnout.

All this giving and no receiving leads to emotional exhaustion and burnout. Enablers often find themselves running on empty, like a car trying to cross the Sahara on fumes. And let’s not forget the stunted personal growth for both parties.

While the intention is usually to help or protect a loved one, enabling frequently perpetuates the very behavior that causes harm. When it comes down to it, an enabler is only driving their loved one’s addiction further. Even though this isn’t their goal, it’s the effect that comes from making excuses and letting things go unchecked. For instance, an enabler wouldn’t be able to properly set up an intervention, even after admitting to the fact that they are an enabler, and doing everything in their power to right their wrongs. For more information on interventions and addiction treatment in general, contact a treatment provider today. They may not have had the benefit of true self-reflection and self-evaluation of their behaviors.

And it’s counterproductive to the person you’re trying to help. Recognizing where this behavior comes from and setting healthy boundaries is the first step toward breaking the cycle and building healthier, stronger relationships. It doesn’t mean someone else’s harmful behaviors are on you, either.

Some of the time they don’t think of what they’re doing as enabling, but being a pal or doing a good turn. It’s only when the person who has been helped continues to act irresponsibly and avoid consequences that the difference between an honest favor and enabling becomes evident. Some who use the term “enabler” do so with a heavily negative judgment against the person who fulfills the role.

The closer you are to a person needing help, the more likely you will enable them. This is because it’s harder to draw the line between acceptance and unacceptable behavior. This is opposed to providing means and opportunities to continue engaging in self-destructive behaviors. You might feel depleted and blame the other person for taking all your energy and time. At the same time, it may be difficult for you to stop enabling them, which in turn might increase your irritation. Sometimes, when all your time and energy is focused on your loved one, you might feel like your efforts aren’t appreciated or reciprocated.

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